Apr 8, 2020 | The Quarantine Diary, Week 5
CHINA: Hi Guys, it’s me China.
USA, UK, EU: Oh, hi China how are things?
China: Things are good… well actually, they’re not really …
UK, USA, EU: Oh what’s up?
CHINA: Well a few weeks ago we were having a Christmas dinner party and … do you know Wuhan?
USA: Wuhan? Yeah the one with the nice big buildings, but has that quirky little market with the cute animals, yeah we know her.
CHINA: Yeah well Wuhan sees herself as a bit of chef, she’s not good at it but we don’t like to insult her, anyhow she brought over one of her experimental dishes and now a lot of people are really sick …
Rest of World: Oh no that’s terrible. What did you say to Wuhan?
CHINA: We’ve locked her in her room and told her to think about what she has done.
Rest of World: That’s a bit extreme.
CHINA: Yeah, but she’s taking it well and staying quiet. Got to go, chat later.
Rest of World: See ye China, tell Wuhan she’s in our thoughts and prayers.
CHINA: Will do, thanks, bye.
USA: That’s terrible about Wuhan isn’t it?
UK: Yeah. Anyway where are you thinking of going on vacation this year?
USA: Oh we’re going to Italy, we love Italy.
UK and EU: Oh we’re just back from a ski trip there it was great.
ITALY: Hi guys! Just overheard your conversation, that’s great you are coming over, we love having you all here. Although we don’t really like the big unhealthy cruise ships, which dump 3,000 people here in the morning who scurry and scurry back to the ship by 7pm. They don’t stay in our hotels, don’t eat at our good restaurants, or properly experience Italy and they just buy crap souvenirs made in China …
CHINA: Hey I heard that!
ITALY: Well the stuff you make is very production line isn’t it? Not like our craftsmanship. But you know we love you China, you send us so many tourists too, you are the only one that goes into the fashion houses and actually buys all the weird cat walk stuff that Gucci makes.
Rest of World: We thought you were gone China, to look after Wuhan?
CHINA: Yeah, I did but I needed to come back online to tell all of you that it’s not just the people who ate the food that are getting sick, it’s anyone who has been near them, it’s like a flu and it’s spreading like wildfire, we’ve locked everyone in their rooms. I’ve really got a go now and build a massive hospital, catch up later bye.
USA: Oh that sounds awful, really terrible, China, we’ll send you over thoughts and prayers, that should help.
UK: Is China gone off line now? … I think she’s being a bit dramatic, I mean it is just a flu.
ITALY: Guys, the top of my leg isn’t looking too good. I think it may have an infection.
EU: Oh that doesn’t sound too good, you look after yourself.
ITALY: Huh?
EU: I mean it.
THE NEXT DAY
ITALY: Sorry, I know it’s really early to be calling you all. But the top of my leg has got much worse, it’s really infected, it’s really, really bad. I’m doing my best but I need more medical stuff. I’ve been talking with China and she said things are improving there but the only cure is for everyone to stay home and away from each other for at least two weeks. So we’re all going to go home, close our doors and make pasta. Is anyone there? Is anyone listening?
US, UK: Yeah, yeah (yawn emoji), we’re here.
UK: Look Italy stop being so dramatic, it’s just a flu. Between you and China, honestly! (eye roll emoji)
ITALY: Guys, I think my leg might fall off, look at the pictures I’m sending you. It’s spreading so fast and it’s spreading in your direction.
US: Italy what’s happening to you is tremendously terrible, I’m putting some thoughts and prayers in an email now and sending them to you. I’ll have a look in the medicine chest and send you some Band Aids if I find any … You will be okay by the Summer though won’t you? Because I have a vacation booked and I would be so disappointed if I had to cancel. So hurry up and get well soon… so I can go on vacation.
ITALY: Guys, you really need to wake up and prepare yourselves, you were here on ski trips weren’t you?
UK: Yes, yes, we and the USA, have a few people with the same flu you have ..
USA: You mean the China Flu?
Rest of World: huh? No it is called Covid-19. We didn’t blame you for the Spanish Flu did we?
USA: The Spanish Flu was from Spain.
Rest of World: No it wasn’t, it started in the USA you just named it the Spanish Flu.
USA: Oh.
UK: Look we’re all in this find mess together, we’re all just going to have to catch it, take some paracetamol and tally-hoo.
ITALY: huh?
USA: Hey no, I have a better idea, I own this chemical that cleans fish tanks but is good for Malaria too so we should all take that.
Rest of World: But this is not Malaria… or a …fish … tank?
ITALY: EU are you there?
EU: zzzzzzz
Italy: China are you there? I’m sorry what I said about the things you make, and I know you are still suffering but could you send over …
China: Yes, yes, I’m here. Sorry I wasn’t talking much, I was busy packing up several planes full of stuff for you. Ventilators and doctors on the way now.
UK, EU and USA: zzzzzzz
Apr 6, 2020 | The Quarantine Diary, Week 5
I’m thinking of starting a campaign to rename Covid-19 the Hippy Virus. It’s a very unique virus as it is changing the life of those who it doesn’t even infect – it is turning us all into hippies.
It’s fatal spread is also having a Ying Yang affect, by spreading ‘Peace and Love’ throughout the world.
Think about it, when else have leaders called warring parties across the world to lay down their weapons in support of the bigger battle against something we can’t even see?
“The fury of the virus illustrates the folly of war”, said UN Secretary-General António Guterres recently. “That is why today, I am calling for an immediate global ceasefire in all corners of the world. It is time to put armed conflict on lockdown and focus together on the true fight of our lives.”
As least two long term feuds have complied (I’ve lost the report of the names of these but if anyone finds it please send on). Conte, the Italian Prime Minister made a similar appeal on US television last week.
Nearly the whole world has slowed to a stoned pace.
Governments are giving a basic income to citizens to save them from hardship. Hospitals are being built at rapid speed and much needed medical equipment and scrubs are being made by companies that were once focused on luxury consumer goods. Temporary homes have been provided for the homeless. It’s quite amazing what governments can do when there is a sudden urgency. Long term social problems have been dealt with. Citizens are volunteering where they can.
It has grounded air traffic and stopped mass tourism, reducing carbon emissions and waste. There is an undercurrent whisper about the world having time to heal.
On an individual basis, people who never before gardened are growing vegetables, people who have never baked are making bread, people who have never cooked are quickly learning because they cant go out to eat.
People are discovering the joys of boredom again. Old hobby boxes are being dusted off, there’ s a burst of art and crafts and musical instruments reemerging.
Yoga and meditation are now daily practices for those who never ventured there before.
Material wealth, celebrity status, influencers, are all lagging behind in rank of importance to the everyday person; shop assistants, garbage collectors and of course health workers are the new heroes.
And last but not least; Women are discovering the joys of being braless and not having to wear makeup everyday. Need I say more to convince you? Yes we’ve all been infected by the Hippy Virus.
Apr 4, 2020 | The Quarantine Diary, Week 4
I’m determined to be able to speak Italian before this Lockdown is over. I’m doing two Italian lessons per week via Skype (Verbling), I’d do three except my teacher has no spaces left in his schedule as everyone in Lockdown is using it as a time to improve their Italian. I know a lot of words in Italian I just don’t have confidence in using them as my pronunciation is rubbish. And it’s quite a dangerous language if your pronunciation is off.
In practically every conversation with my Italian friend, when I make an effort to speak Italian she bursts out laughing. “I think I know what you mean, but you just said a word for Penis”. Or “You can’t say it like that, you just said something about your Vagina.”
This is particularly the case when talking about a recipe, growing vegetables or doing grocery shopping as every fruit and vegetable seems to have a pun or innuendo attached to it.
The most common of these words is probably ‘patata’, which is commonly used as a nickname for a female’s private anatomy. Saying “dammi la patata“, “give me the potato” can be taken two different ways. If you are having peas with your potatoes you need to be aware that the word for pea, piesolla, is a childish word for penis. So if you are not careful, you could be asking ‘Give me your vagina” and “would you like penis with that?’. Discussing fennel and figs are also mine fields.
Another problem is when pronouncing double consonants. A common one is, ‘Penne’, if not pronounced correctly it means penis. This is why you see penis shaped pasta in tacky gift shops in Italy, as most tourists in restaurants ask for penis pasta. Similarly ‘anni’, which means ‘years’, if said too quickly it means anus. My husband, who has decided to communicate with hand gestures rather than learn Italian, merrily wished everyone a ‘Happy Anus’ last New Year’s. Maybe that’s why we are all having such a shit year?
But it works both ways, the same Italian friend who corrects me on perverted Italian, decided to create a hen house during lockdown, she’s delighted with her new hobby and last night sent me pics of her hugging her chucks with a message “I will be called Queen of Chickens!”
I text her back; ‘That sounds like you are leading a nation of cowards, better to use the adult name.”
“Ah okay I see…” She replied, “Okay then, I will be Queen of Cocks.”
I was going to text back, “NOOOOOOO…. HENS!” but it was late, I was tired … and it’s a way of getting her back for laughing at all my perverted Italian pronunciation over the last year.
Apr 2, 2020 | The Quarantine Diary, Week 4
Yesterday I took out a large storage box full of print pre-digital age photos to sort out. I had great intentions. I cleared a space on the dinner table, grabbed a handful and started to go through them. Soon I realised a needed some sort of system. How do I categorise them?
So I started with a PU (Pre Us) pile and an AU (After Us) pile.
The PU was divided into His and Hers – This included photos of when we were kids, our families, old friends.
Then there was the WTFIT pile. The ‘Who The F**k Is That’ pile. These were people that we vaguely remember; someone we met on a holiday and never stayed in touch, or we just don’t know who the person is and why they have stayed amongst our treasured memories for so long, such as the Elvis impersonator.
There were one or two awkward moments of; ‘Will I put the photo of this beautiful looking person on the WTFIT pile?’
And him or me saying ‘ah no.’
‘Why who is it?’
‘Ah just an old flame.’
‘So why do you want to keep the photo?’
‘It brings back nice memories?’
‘And the 876 other photos of me and our kids don’t have the same affect?’
Silence.
The WTFIT pile were put on the fire in a ritual burning. The beautiful people were saved. Inevitably, at least one of the WTFIT people will contact us in the next week and remind us of a fabulous time we had together and ask if I still have the photo from when we met.
The ‘After Us’ Pile was much bigger and needed several sub sections.
I decided on PC (Pre children) … God we looked good. Thin, fit and so happy.
And AC (After children) – the children look happy but we look quite stressed in a lot of them and not so thin and fit. We really are not a good ad for having children. If a contraception clinic used our pre and post photos to help people make a decision, they’d sell a lot of contraception.
The AC pile was then divided into:
House 1, House 2, etc. – As we’ve moved five times in 25 years, categorising by house was easier than by year. A new game called Photo Cluedo emerged. By the photo’s background, we guess the house location, the room and the occasion. First to the buzzer wins… Kitchen, Dublin, Easter… If you could say the year you got a bonus point.
Then I had two sub piles called; Child No 1 (pre child no 2) and C2 Child No 2 (without child no 1).
Child No 1 (pre child no 2) – This was huge, so I further divided into the six years before child number two arrived. So many great birthday cakes, holidays.
Child No 2 (without child no 1) – In my Child no 2 file, there were five photos. I was the last of five kids and there are two photos of me when I was a baby and tonnes of my sister who was the first child. For years I thought the photos of her were me because that’s what my parents told me, obviously they feeling some guilt for forgetting to record any of my childhood.
My parents had five kids so I completely understand, the novelty of ‘firsts’ can wear off, but I only had two! I felt like such a bad parent, why have I only five photos of my son? Then I remember, digital photography had kicked in by then. Sorting through digitals will be for another day, but I made a mental note that I need to print some photos of my son.
I also made a ‘WTH’ pile. – ‘Why The Hell’ have I kept these photos?
These were random sunsets, empty fields, an out of focus squirrel, nondescript scenery and photos we look really crap in. There’s also one of a pigeon flying in front of my husband’s face. WHY have I kept these photos? So they all went for the ritual burning – except the pigeon one, it made me smile so I kept it.
By the time I was finished I had over 20 piles on the table. It was dinner time. So what now? I carefully picked up each pile and… put them back into the box, but separated by sheets of paper so that I felt the last two hours weren’t a complete waste of time. I was carrying the box back into the room to store it when the bottom part gave way and fell to the floor, leaving the lid just in my hands. Photos went everywhere.
On the news they announced lockdown was being extended another two weeks. At least we’ll have time for another round of Photo Cluedo.
Apr 1, 2020 | The Quarantine Diary, Week 4
I’ve been avoiding social media a bit. I can’t handle all the conspiracy theories going around and here’s why:
When the Black Plague came to Europe in the 14th century, healers and governments were at a loss to explain the disease. Jews and people with acne were just some of those blamed as possible reasons for outbreaks, and were massacred throughout Europe as a result.
Cats were also blamed and Europeans continued to kill cats for another 300 years after the inital outbreak.
Should Jews, people with skin disorders or cats have been killed and blamed for the Black Plague?
NO, we look on the idea as tragic and ridiculous, because we are more rational now, and thanks to scientists we know it was carried by fleas on rats.
Let’s skip to the 1900s, the Spanish Flu swept the globe, killing between 20 million and 40 million people. While the Spanish carry the stigma of being attached to the name, the first known case of the flu strain was reported in 1918 in Kansas. It spread to most cities in America and then followed the thousands of American soldiers who crossed the Atlantic for the closing offensives of the First World War.
So should Americans be blamed for the Spanish Flu?
NO because scientists know that global outbreaks of deadly influenza go back at least 400 years and because we are rational human beings we know a natural occurring illness is no nation’s fault.
I find the treatment of women branded as ‘witches’ in history including The Salem Witch Trials fascinating. The imagination of the citizens of Salem got completely out of hand and led the town to hang many of their own in the 1600s. One girl, was accused of flying over a barn. It had to be true because a friend of a friend said they saw it (their version of social media).
The Witch Trials were caused by mass hysteria and the desires of the power hungry, during a time of great uncertainty and fear. Even in current uncertain times, could we imagine burning women at the stake now?
NO because we are a more rational and kinder society.
Let’s just go back to the Plague for a moment, one of the most successful cities at stopping the spread of the Black Plague was Milan. If a person was found to have the Plague all the windows and doors were bricked shut, along with anyone inside – whether or not they were infected. While this extreme method of quarantine largely stopped the spread, would it be accepted today, even though we are living through something not too dissimilar?
NO because we are a more rational and kinder society.
Roll on 2020 and half the world is indoors hiding from a virus. However times are different now aren’t they? We don’t lend ourselves to hysteria like the Witch Trials in Salem, we are a rational society, we have well trained scientists with amazing technology to tell us the facts so we avoid superstition.
So why all these Conspiracy Theories that China, Russia or the USA created it in a lab and launched the disease on purpose?
We know Covid-19 started in China. On March 17 2020 the Scripps Research Institute released it’s research (funded by the US, Australia, Europe and UK) which found no evidence that the virus was made in a laboratory or otherwise engineered.
“By comparing the available genome sequence data for known coronavirus strains, we can firmly determine that SARS-CoV-2 originated through natural processes,” said Kristian Andersen, PhD, an associate professor of immunology and microbiology at Scripps Research and corresponding author on the paper.
Josie Golding, PhD, epidemics lead at UK-based Wellcome Trust, said the findings by Andersen and his colleagues are “crucially important to bring an evidence-based view to the rumours that have been circulating about the origins of the virus (SARS-CoV-2) causing COVID-19.”
They conclude that the virus is the product of natural evolution, ending any speculation about deliberate genetic engineering.
So should we be creating hysteria like they did around the Salem Witch Trials by repeating these stupid conspiracy theories? Should we be pointing a finger at a nation to blame them for a disease that originated through natural evolution?
NO because the scientists have told us the facts, and we are a more rational and kinder society … aren’t we?
