It\u2019s been nearly a month since my mam passed, and in a moment of what can only be described as emotional insanity (or maybe divine guidance?), I found myself opening an old Italian language course I bought twenty years ago.<\/p>\n
One of those audio-visual binder sets that came in a folder the size of a phonebook with actual CDs, back when learning a language meant flipping through plastic sleeves and inhaling the scent of false hope. Don\u2019t laugh, I\u2019ve been trying to learn a second language since\u00a0Lingaphone\u00a0<\/em>was a box set of cassettes and cost several months of your salary.<\/p>\n And yet, two decades later and thousands spent on Italian courses\u2026<\/p>\n I still struggle to speak an Italian sentence confidently.<\/p>\n But this week, I started again.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve lived in Italy for years now\u2014long enough to know my Prosecco from my Spumante, and to shout at my dogs \u2018Die\u2019 with the Italian meaning, not the English. But full sentences? Grammar? Telling the pharmacist that I need something for a sore throat and not an over-the-counter colonoscopy prep kit? Still a work in progress.<\/p>\n But now, I want to do it properly.<\/p>\n After losing my Dad and brother in the last three years, Mam was the last member of my childhood family still living in Ireland. And now that she\u2019s gone, I\u2019ve finally admitted: I won\u2019t be going back to live there.<\/p>\n I live here. In Italy. I need this place\u2014hot and beautiful\u2014to be\u00a0home<\/em>. And not being able to speak the language is my major road block to having that feeling.<\/p>\n It\u2019s a beautiful relic of the late ’90s, divided into cheerful, practical categories like:<\/p>\n Il Contadino nel Campo<\/strong><\/p>\n Some phrases have stayed with me from when I first did the course.<\/p>\n \u201cIl contadino nel campo,\u201d I announced proudly to a friend the other day. \u201cWhen are you ever going to use that?\u201d<\/p>\n Fair question.<\/p>\n However I have now learnt a few new sentences.<\/p>\n Actual example sentences from the course: Radiators, spark plugs, and 1990s body-shaming.<\/p>\n Honestly, if I ever find myself in a field beside a voluptuous woman with a steaming Fiat Panda, I\u2019m\u00a0ready<\/em>.<\/p>\n As much as I adore Italy, they\u2019re not exactly pioneers when it comes to body positivity. In 2020, the Association of Substitute Gondoliers (yes, it’s a real thing) reduced the number of people allowed in a gondola from six to five\u2014for weight reasons.<\/em><\/p>\n The president of the association explained: Half. A. Tonne. Of. Meat.<\/p>\n And I thought \u201cla ragazza grassa\u201d in my audio course was bad.<\/p>\n Italians may have mastered art, fashion, and pasta, but when it comes to body image, let\u2019s just say they\u2019re still rowing upstream.<\/p>\n They say\u00a0lutto<\/em>, which feels too formal. Too obituary column. In English, we say \u201cI\u2019m heartbroken.\u201d Still, none of them feel big enough to hold the absence that sit in my chest when I pick up my phone to call my Mam, Dad or my brother, hold it for a moment and put it back down, ten times a day. I\u2019ve been through this before; it took me eight and a half years to stop thinking of calling my sister every day, so I know it\u2019s not going to stop any day soon, so I distract myself; I\u2019m writing again, reading a lot. And every time I pick up the phone to call them, instead of putting it down, I switch on to Duolingo and do a lesson \u2014 Retraining my brain as to why I picked up the phone.<\/p>\n Perhaps finding the joy in the small things of learning Italian\u2014like remembering a word, forming a sentence, or getting through a conversation with the pharmacist without panic-texting Lucia, will help me learn how to be in this world without speaking to my Mam everyday for the last 53 years. A new way of speaking to replace the old way.<\/p>\n And maybe one day, I\u2019ll be able to tell someone, perfectly, in Italian:<\/p>\n \u201cMy mother used to live with me in Italy, but she went back to Ireland because she liked pineapple on her pizza.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Until next week,<\/p>\n From your favourite Contadina Carina,<\/p>\n Rosie xxx<\/p>\nLearning Italian After Loss<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Back to the Books (and the Binder of Shame)<\/strong><\/h3>\n
\n
\n\u201cThe peasant is in the field.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cThe fat girl\u2019s radiator is broken.\u201d<\/strong><\/em>
\nFollowed by:
\n\u201cI see the spark plugs.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\nFat Shaming and Gondolas<\/strong><\/h3>\n
\n\u201cAdvancing with over half a tonne of meat on board is dangerous.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\nThe Words We Don\u2019t Have<\/strong><\/h3>\n
\nTristezza<\/em>\u00a0is closer, but it sounds like someone forgot to order dessert.<\/p>\n
\nIn Italian, there\u2019s\u00a0spezzato il cuore<\/em>\u2014a broken heart.<\/p>\n