CHINA: Hi Guys, it’s me China.
USA, UK, EU: Oh, hi China how are things?
China: Things are good… well actually, they’re not really …
UK, USA, EU: Oh what’s up?
CHINA: Well a few weeks ago we were having a Christmas dinner party and … do you know Wuhan?
USA: Wuhan? Yeah the one with the nice big buildings, but has that quirky little market with the cute animals, yeah we know her.
CHINA: Yeah well Wuhan sees herself as a bit of chef, she’s not good at it but we don’t like to insult her, anyhow she brought over one of her experimental dishes and now a lot of people are really sick …
Rest of World: Oh no that’s terrible. What did you say to Wuhan?
CHINA: We’ve locked her in her room and told her to think about what she has done.
Rest of World: That’s a bit extreme.
CHINA: Yeah, but she’s taking it well and staying quiet. Got to go, chat later.
Rest of World: See ye China, tell Wuhan she’s in our thoughts and prayers.
CHINA: Will do, thanks, bye.
USA: That’s terrible about Wuhan isn’t it?
UK: Yeah. Anyway where are you thinking of going on vacation this year?
USA: Oh we’re going to Italy, we love Italy.
UK and EU: Oh we’re just back from a ski trip there it was great.
ITALY: Hi guys! Just overheard your conversation, that’s great you are coming over, we love having you all here. Although we don’t really like the big unhealthy cruise ships, which dump 3,000 people here in the morning who scurry and scurry back to the ship by 7pm. They don’t stay in our hotels, don’t eat at our good restaurants, or properly experience Italy and they just buy crap souvenirs made in China …
CHINA: Hey I heard that!
ITALY: Well the stuff you make is very production line isn’t it? Not like our craftsmanship. But you know we love you China, you send us so many tourists too, you are the only one that goes into the fashion houses and actually buys all the weird cat walk stuff that Gucci makes.
Rest of World: We thought you were gone China, to look after Wuhan?
CHINA: Yeah, I did but I needed to come back online to tell all of you that it’s not just the people who ate the food that are getting sick, it’s anyone who has been near them, it’s like a flu and it’s spreading like wildfire, we’ve locked everyone in their rooms. I’ve really got a go now and build a massive hospital, catch up later bye.
USA: Oh that sounds awful, really terrible, China, we’ll send you over thoughts and prayers, that should help.
UK: Is China gone off line now? … I think she’s being a bit dramatic, I mean it is just a flu.
ITALY: Guys, the top of my leg isn’t looking too good. I think it may have an infection.
EU: Oh that doesn’t sound too good, you look after yourself.
EU: I mean it.
THE NEXT DAY
ITALY: Sorry, I know it’s really early to be calling you all. But the top of my leg has got much worse, it’s really infected, it’s really, really bad. I’m doing my best but I need more medical stuff. I’ve been talking with China and she said things are improving there but the only cure is for everyone to stay home and away from each other for at least two weeks. So we’re all going to go home, close our doors and make pasta. Is anyone there? Is anyone listening?
US, UK: Yeah, yeah (yawn emoji), we’re here.
UK: Look Italy stop being so dramatic, it’s just a flu. Between you and China, honestly! (eye roll emoji)
ITALY: Guys, I think my leg might fall off, look at the pictures I’m sending you. It’s spreading so fast and it’s spreading in your direction.
US: Italy what’s happening to you is tremendously terrible, I’m putting some thoughts and prayers in an email now and sending them to you. I’ll have a look in the medicine chest and send you some Band Aids if I find any … You will be okay by the Summer though won’t you? Because I have a vacation booked and I would be so disappointed if I had to cancel. So hurry up and get well soon… so I can go on vacation.
ITALY: Guys, you really need to wake up and prepare yourselves, you were here on ski trips weren’t you?
UK: Yes, yes, we and the USA, have a few people with the same flu you have ..
USA: You mean the China Flu?
Rest of World: huh? No it is called Covid-19. We didn’t blame you for the Spanish Flu did we?
USA: The Spanish Flu was from Spain.
Rest of World: No it wasn’t, it started in the USA you just named it the Spanish Flu.
UK: Look we’re all in this find mess together, we’re all just going to have to catch it, take some paracetamol and tally-hoo.
USA: Hey no, I have a better idea, I own this chemical that cleans fish tanks but is good for Malaria too so we should all take that.
Rest of World: But this is not Malaria… or a …fish … tank?
ITALY: EU are you there?
Italy: China are you there? I’m sorry what I said about the things you make, and I know you are still suffering but could you send over …
China: Yes, yes, I’m here. Sorry I wasn’t talking much, I was busy packing up several planes full of stuff for you. Ventilators and doctors on the way now.
UK, EU and USA: zzzzzzz